1. Learn to like coffee.
Office workers drink coffee by the gallon, and when you go to an interview, you'll probably get weird looks if you say 'you don't like coffee'. Stick 4 sugars in it and just down it. It gets better, I promise.
2. "Just be yourself!"
Wrong, don't be yourself. You're a fresh faced student who knows nothing about the real world and have never written a budget report before. Pretend to have the confidence of someone else, and you'll be fine.
3. Buy a good suit.
But more importantly, buy one that fits. I spent twenty minutes trying to convince myself I could squeeze into a size 8 skirt because 'it made my bum look better'. It might have, but it also meant I was re-adjusting it every few minutes to make sure it didn't split apart in front of everyone else in the room, and I walked as if my ankles had been taped together. This isn't a good look for anyone. Guys, make sure your Marvel Comic socks don't show when you're sat cross legged.
4. Show off your research skills by having an in-depth knowledge of the company before your interview.
But don't bring up any of the following information you may find out, as it may not get the reaction you hoped for; budget cuts, latest figures on redundancies, office affairs, what the meat in the cafeteria really is, and how much higher pay-packets the male staff get compared to women.
5. Pick your lunch wisely.
I was once on a train to London for an assessment day and had bought a spaghetti bolognaise lunch pot with me. Brilliant, a healthy meal that will fill me up so my stomach won't be rumbling all day. Wrong. It wasn't brilliant. It exploded on my suit skirt the second I opened it, and I spent the remainder of the train journey hunched over the sink in a toilet that smelt like gone-off trifle, scrubbing soap into my skirt, only to look like I'd wet myself when I left. Don't be that person. Pick a plain sandwich, or even better, don't eat anything at all.
6. Don't take a copy of your CV on paper.
Paper is old fashioned. Take it on something expensive and flashy like an iPad. It shows you already have money and want this job because you genuinely want to work there, and not because you're poor and just want to earn some goddamn money so you don't have to stay in and watch episodes of Jeremy Kyle and Homes Under The Hammer. If you can't afford an iPad, borrow one from a friend.
7. If you're male, have a shave the day before.
You'll have just enough stubble to look smart without looking like a 12 year old choir boy.
8. If you're female, wear glasses to the interview to make you look smarter.
Primark sell them for £1.50. Lenses are optional, but they genuinely make it more convincing.
9. When writing your CV, don't start it with 'CURRICULUM VITAE'.
Everyone knows what a CV is. Long words just give you more opportunities for fatal spelling mistakes.
10. Check, check and double check.
The most commonly misspelled words on CV's which I have come across are; accommodate, effect (instead of affect), personnel (instead of personal), necessary, their own name (yes, really), experience, and my own personal favourite, communication.
11. Try not to be too bothered when you don't hear back from 99% of your job applications.
Yes, it would be very useful for you to know why you didn't get the job so you don't do it again, because how the hell do you know what you're doing wrong if no one tells you. So you'll obviously keep doing whatever 'it' is, and keep getting rejected, and you'll be screaming "JUST TELL ME WHY" into your laptop. It's a vicious circle, I know. But they just won't tell you, and that's that.
12. Don't send off the same CV to every employer.
Different things will appeal to different companies. Use your brilliant research skills from point 4 to help you with this. Even better, find out their home addresses and send them your CV's directly. Bonus points for accompanying it with a Dominos pizza.
13. Make sure to include every single voluntary or charity work you've ever done.
It'll make you look like a far better person than you probably are and frankly, who doesn't like someone who helps the elderly on their days off? (Note; your own Nan does not count).
14. And lastly, when you do finally get a job, don't let your mum pack your lunch for you, especially if she still leaves notes like 'Good luck hunnypoo xxx' in your lunchbox.
You never know who might see it, and it might take until the Office Christmas Party before someone else lands a nickname more embarrassing than yours. Play it safe and buy yourself something from M&S (Hint; unless you're already wearing orange, avoid spaghetti bolognaise lunch pots; they'll get you every time).
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